“Hey look at her…come on at least look at her, she is indeed beautiful” … I stupidly looked back to see a girl who was standing on the corridor.
“Isn’t she beautiful” she said expecting me to jump up with excitement. Now what sort dull question that can be? Obviously the girl in the corridor was beautiful but so what. And why is that boys are expected to drool at all the second girl they see?
The fact is that when a girl is very persistent in showing you girls who are beautiful, it is a new way to let you know that she is not interested in you and you better look somewhere else.
Today is supposed to be my heart-break day. I had been admiring a girl since a year now. I fell for her out of confusion but that was in fact a beautiful thing to happen. Like a good guy I never enforced my feelings on her. I even gathered all the courage to tell her how I feel for her; made sure that I keep her smiling whenever she is in my company. I had been extra care full as in not to hurry up with anything in this relationship. But as I said, today is my heart-break day; she very sweetly made it clear that I must retreat in whatever I am doing and restrict myself to a good friend. This is almost after a year.
Pyar Ke Side effect
Now here is one more stupid thing that’s happening in my mind. I have somehow lost interest in girls. I even don’t intend to develop interest in boys. But on a serious note I feel like what-the-hell-just-happened. I also sense a feeling of hatred for girls and also for this word ‘friend’.
I have always believed a good relationship starts with good friendship. Just forgot about the multiple exceptions to that rule. The biggest one is, a good friendship ends up only being a good friendship. Oh… how much irritated I feel!
The paradigm shift
Now it is time to give a jolt to emotions and have an intro with the facts.
Fact 1 - Girls have some sort of secret equation with variables like, Dad, Mom, Bro, Sis, pets, society, close friends etc. etc. and it is quite hard that you simplify to be the logical answer which corresponds to affirmation to all the used variables. Don’t ever bother to understand the logical stand of the equation if you are rejected. Fact 2 – Hope is a random variable and mostly turns out to be negative Fact 3 – Being good is nothing to do with developing a good relationship. Being bit mean may work out better. Fact 4 – Every ‘single’ looks at a happy ‘couple’ and every ‘couple’ finds a ‘single’ happy. Life is just an illusion. If you get bored with yourself, it is highly probable that you will get bored even if you have a partner. Fact 5 – Better have some dignity when you break-up.
That’s all I have to give to the society on this memorable day.
I was quite sure that I won’t hold a pen to write down stories but maybe this will not look like a story to some of the real person involved. In case you got an invite to read this story from me be sure you are in this story or may be some character in this story knows you. Yes you thought it right, you may be not knowing the character.
I would start with a fact; I murdered someone. There is a police case; I read it on newspapers every day. My phobia with paper has been so much that I am scared of any large piece of paper or the sound of the page. There had been days when I would madly look for the specific news in the in the newspapers. Almost all the prominent newspaper covered the news. All of them declared it to be an accident except one newspaper. No, I won’t tell you the name of the particular newspaper. But I had to make sure that that newspaper must not reach to any room in my hostel. I had been flushing the papers into the loo; hours together. It was just one thing that the reporters of that newspaper found, and put a picture of it; all my friends here know that it belongs to me. I won’t tell you that thing too.
It is such a pity that the most prominent news of a day soon decays on the subsequent days. And this so called public is so much forgetful. During my hunt for that news the other days, I found that that news was given just a square inch of page somewhere in between. It took me hours to find. Internet was not an issue for me; it is simple enough to hack wireless routers and block a site.
Today it was a nice weather in the evening and thought of a long ride. The news of the murder had totally disappeared from the newspaper and did not find any linking blogs to that news too. I had also un-hacked the wireless routers of my hostel. I felt free. As I reached the main gate to make the entry (that is required when one gets out of campus) I saw the gatekeepers shouting at two people on a bike. It was strange one was holding a camera and was recording anyone entering or exiting the campus. All I got to know is that these two, relatively young guys have been doing this since 4 days. Now that was annoying to me too.
I was jobless today and I thought of following those two guys.
I was supposed to be back within an hour; but it took me 4 hours; still I must say I did it more smoothly this time. Also I thank the timely rain and the dark shirt I was wearing; the stains were not visible easily; the blood stains.
I am not fascinated by this status line but it has been lingering since many days now. I am getting nothing new to write there or may be nothing new that would successfully replace it. Right now I have left all the attempts to withdraw it forcefully and quite satisfied by my decision.
I remember a person with whom I don't remember when I met him first, and he said something that hit me so much on the face that whenever I am in trouble I ask that to myself and surprisingly till date it had never disappointed me to look at things clearly - He said - "Ask yourself if you are RUTHLESSLY honest to yourself while taking any decision or action".
Before I go ahead I would tell, it is bit scary to ask this all the time as personally speaking the answer to that question is so revealing that I at times would like to skip it.
It starts right form getting up in the morning when I bash my alarm to silent and give up to my darling mattress for an extra five minutes sleep. I tell myself how much I have slogged at the night and I deserve that extra minute. My mind is so conditioned now that it springs up with that same "ruthless" question and I leave it unanswered. I know if I answer it I may not be able to be lazy which seems to be my birth right at that moment. I even have had days when I chose to answer it and I know how tough it gets to cheat oneself.
Right now the matter is different. The choice has been taken and the road is being walked. I know I am truly ruthless to myself but the question is till how long. It is not the laziness that bothers me but the consistency of the activeness that I possess. I have no clue how long I can be enthusiastic as it is no more about the road less traveled but the length of the journey that scares me. The extent to which I need to go to find a milestone that can tell me that I can continue my journey on the same path. It is not the emptiness of the road that is disheartening but the crowd there.
Motivation to me is outdated; passion is too much fantasized and being different is blatantly artificial. What matters to me right now that I can believe what I believe in long enough, so that I can derive a meaning out of it. That meaning is worth while to strive the journey that I have put myself into. In fact I need my coach to give me a question. This time I am not looking out for an answer, just a relief that he is watching me.
The coffee today is bitter. I usually mix some sugar when that happens but I do not feel like doing it right now. Just thinking how tough it is to accept the fact that it is different.
Outside my room I meet a world where there is a race of people who believe being different is the key; I too belong to that race. I compete with myself to stand out of the crowd day in and day out; it is a kind of motivation. Being different rules so vehemently that I follow it blindly. And now when I open my eyes and look at the entire tribe then I find I am in a crowd of differently-ordinary people.
It seemed like a long time when I was listening to someone and could relate it so well. I could relate to the words the feelings and the expressions. I have surely had them once; if not exactly then astonishingly similar. I was listening to an ordinary person who without actually speaking asked me - "If being an ordinary is about being oneself, is it bad?"
"Definitely not" - I would have answered it if I was to but that question was never asked.
After the conversation there was an emptiness in my mind. Somewhere I felt I have been suppressing the part of myself which is naturally different and enforcing the difference that the world ought to see. How could I miss seeing that.
Well I did not realize that I finished my coffee. Oh wait there is a single sip left.......
I have realized that though keeping an expectation in a relationship can be heart-breaking at times; but what shatters the most is when I get to know that there is no expectation from me from the person I care. That may not be justified but this is exactly what I feel at times.
I do understand a nurturing relationship but I will be truthful, I do not understand the extent to which it has nurtured at a given point of time. Instances have been there when a free-flowing comment of mine had hurt the person to the extent of wetting their eyes with tears. As I said I care about that person and I feel bad (and stupid) of being so senseless to pass such a comment. I try to ease the person but I cannot take back my comment and relief the person of the pain that I caused. Yes I do feel bad and helpless.
But contrary to it I also feel good; obviously not because of hurting the person; but because of the realization that my comment matters and this clearly indicates that (may be not much) but I do matter to the person I care. I am satisfied of my presence in that person’s life and that sort of responsibility gives an immense pleasure.
As I said I may not be good at understanding the extent of my existence in someone’s life but these incidents obviously helps me to understand it.
During my college I considered that I am out in this world to enjoy my life; my life as a single person. And soon, the people like me, who must have had some kind of similar planning like mine ended up with girl friends. With due respect to all the girls reading my write-up, I am a guy and talk very much like that so please pardon my language or rather use of language if it offends you any time. So where was I? – Yeah girl friends. Did you people notice that ‘s’ at the end of ‘girlfriends’? If you have not, please notice it because I mean many girl friends not one. Now time for respect to all the boys reading my blog, when I say having girl friends, I do not mean to have many girlfriends simultaneously (purse does not allow it right?); what I meant was the many girl friends that we encountered in your college life. Well even I was one of them. Girl-friend part was totally out of my agenda but frankly speaking I enjoyed those days too when I was associated with someone. Days went by and my count of having established girl friends got a full stop right there.
Right above was the life that I mistook as bachelor hood. College got over and I got a job. In the induction training we were bossed by the HR department people like we were some kind of stupid and they were epitome of professionalism. Going few steps ahead in my professional career I realised that every morning I go to a place where I have to spend 10 hours of my day doing something for which at the end of the month I get salary. After the 10th hour I get back to a place that has a bed and I can sleep and watch movies and then the next morning I am back to the same routine. I screwed up my body in this process too. Thanks to the excuses I came up with for not going to gym and also to my mom to whom it seems like I never have food and growing thin day by day(last time when I returned back from home I gained 10kgs and I am yet to lose them). Messages and calls to my mobile decreased. Some may take it very positively but I do not because in the 23 years of mine I have spent more than half of it far away from my family and my friends matter a lot to me. One by one very good friends of mine were diving into their life which brought for them so much of commitments that it seemed to me that someday we all become a by-product in our friend’s life and all of it is fully justified. Somewhere when I look back I know they must have the same thing to tell me. Now I have developed a customized sentiment which says nothing is permanent; and the best thing about it is that it works!
There are even days I miss being at home and lately that feeling gives me a regular visit. In absence of my mom the person who takes care of my food is the dabba wala. He gives me a dabba full of food two times a day which I don’t actually cherish eating but considering my budget and the door-to-door service he provides, which turns out to be the best choice for me. Weekends are considered to be the best time in any software engineer’s full week but for me the only time I am not bore in the weekends are when I am washing my cloths; it is just that I don’t remember to be bore at that time. Lately I have kept a maid and so I have uninterrupted boredom in my weekends. Sometimes I am reminded to clean my room but I don’t know why people don’t understand cleaning the room is never in the constitution of a bachelor. Cleaning only happens when someone from the family comes for a visit and the intensity of the cleaning depends on who is coming to visit.
The one thing that is closest to me is my mobile phone. I sometimes keep staring at my mobile expecting it to ring, and at the end of the day I take my mobile, not to call anyone but set my alarm to wake up so that I reach office on time. I sometimes wonder if it is THE AWESOME bachelorhood people talk about. Or is it like over rated and is just about feel good factor? At my new apartment I have a nice mirror in the wardrobe room. It was three weeks back; I looked at myself in that good big mirror and one big question hit my mind for which I just had no answer – “What will be the story of my bachelorhood?” May be it is the high time to create one.
My first mission towards bachelorhood – Look like a bachelor.
It was the beginning of the longest weekend that I was going to have, 3 days of raw holidays. I put a new blade on my mach-3 and gave myself a nice shave; I won’t call it a 100% shave because at the end of it my shave looked something mid way to a French beard and goatee. I shampooed my hair keeping the hair back with my forehead popping right out. Next days on I made sure I hit the gym and get into the process of shedding that extra pounds I gained and toning my muscle back to shape. I got the face cream (that now had a layer of dust over it and once suggested by a very sweet friend of mine) and applied it all over my face before bed. Now was the time for the outcome. After the three long days I went to office, and before the end of the day three girls complimented me on my new looks. Then the next day few more compliments followed and the entire week someone or the other had something good to say about my transformation (that included guys too…well not in the GAY sense of course). By the end of the week I was thinking what should I add to my style quotient? I could come up with two more things; first, I should have a bike and second I must have a dog. Office and gym are the only two places that I go regularly and both of them are within a kilometre of radius, and I have no girl friends to roam on weekends so I dropped the plane of getting a bike; and I dropped the plan of getting a dog because it would make it obvious that I do not have a girl friend. End of that week, after a real long time I had a satisfied sleep.
My second mission towards Bachelorhood – Cook like a bachelor.
I started with a question in mind – What should a bachelor know to prepare? After a good research I came with an answer – a bachelor must know to prepare an awesome bowl of Maggie and a creamy cup of coffee any time in a day. Retrospection on my current strata of knowledge, I concluded that the two things I know the best are:
1) How to boil water.
2) How to prepare boiled eggs.
Obviously I needed to work on this mission. Criterion for good Maggie for me was, it must have vegetables, must be soupy and above all must be edible. I bought carrot, capsicum, onion, tomato and French beans for vegetables; to literally make my Maggie soupy I bought the “sweet and sour vegetable” powdered soup packet; and for the edible part, I thought I must call my friend home to help me prepare it. This friend of mine, whom I called that night is a true bachelor, he knows to prepare Maggie and he also to prepare coffee. He suggested that I must get butter to fry the vegetables and to have eggs in the Maggie. But to have blobs of boiled white eggs right in between the Maggie seemed to me stupid. Then he clarified that he was not talking about boiled eggs but about scrambled eggs. He fried the vegetable in butter and also taught me how to scramble the eggs. For the Maggie part, he put the soup powder into the water and then the Maggie. After the Maggie was done he garnished the Maggie with the vegetables he prepared. In the full bachelor style, without even bothering to pour the Maggie on two separate plates, we helped ourselves with two spoons and started eating it from the utensil we prepared it and let me tell you, at that moment I felt heaven can’t be better than this.
For the ignorant guys and girls like me, do you know that coffee changes colour from dark brown to cream when you stir it well with little water; believe me it does. I saw it that night myself. We thought of ending our dinner with a hot mug of coffee. We moved around 3 kilometres walking that night to search for Nescafe classic. Why Nescafe classic? It is because it is the only coffee that meets the bachelorhood requirements and standards. If you ask me what the standards are, believe me, no bachelor knows it but it is something universal and no one questions it. I felt preparing coffee was comparatively simple. The coming days of the week I had Maggie almost all the day and a mug of hot coffee after that. By the end of the week I was confident that I have achieved my second mission. I am almost mid way to my ultimate bachelorhood.
Mission three towards Bachelorhood: Flirting!
This is one critical mission. Even though I was confident that I can flirt, I had no benchmark to determine its success. Any bachelor, no matter how lonely or immune to girls, they must know how to flirt keeping decency intact. Now to clarify, flirting is not stalking or a derogatory remark. Flirting is adulating someone for no apparent reasons (not even to impress). You praise a person to such an extent that though he/she knows that he/she is being over praised and yet enjoys it.
I was clueless how to go about it. It was around 11 PM at night when my usually dead mobile sprang to life. You remember I mentioned about a very sweet friend of mine who gave me a face cream? Yes it was her call. She is currently in US. When we both finished our common phone etiquette I flatly said – “Seems someone is looking gorgeous today” and that was enough to start. I continued adulating her and she chirpily giggled. I was grateful to my presence of mind and sense of humour without which it was almost impossible to spice up my banter for entire two hours. The end of the chat I was really happy. My happiness was not because that I successfully flirted, it was because though it was night in India and I was dead sleepy I gave a smiling start for a day to someone (It was day time in US). Though I knew I do not have any bench mark to measure it, I surely knew that I have royally completed my mission.
Final Mission: Attain the ultimate purpose of every moment in a bachelor’s life.
I always wondered if for one day I can be no one; for one day I belong to a place where I know no-body and no-body knows me; for one day I do not have to follow the society norms and just for one day I be just ‘me’ without a vale of pretence. I got a chance pretty soon.
We planned for adventure sports for a day with the office team. At the time when I got into the bus I wanted to forget everything about myself and allow myself to vibe along with the trance of that moment. To every song that was played along the journey and to every event that was organized by the adventure guru, I made sure to live every moment bit by bit. The heights of the rocks scared me and the lyrics of the songs made me emotional and I let myself be so.
The next morning at the office I came across an email that read –“If given a chance what do you want to steal from me?” I thought of asking the same thing from one good friend of mine and the reply that she gave me put a smile on my face for the entire day. She said – “I wish I could steal the way you live the moments of your life to the fullest”. I knew I have accomplished the final mission of my bachelorhood.
That day I came back a bit early from office. Obviously I was happy. Bachelorhood was no longer an over rated thing for me. This is the time which is one of the best and the prime time of anyone’s life. We tend to develop some uniqueness which is very much common in the community of bachelors. But at the same time when I look at one of my colleague who is married, and has a cute little daughter; he is all ready for some unadulterated fun. I wonder if bachelorhood is all about a mind-set or a way of life. Then he comes to me and says that he could not join us in the adventure-trip due to family commitments then I feel a bit different; as if he knows how much he may have that mind-set, he is bachelor no more. Someday I will be out of this community too, everyone does some day. I call it as a promotion in life but right now I am not in a mood to be promoted. But someday when I get married, I would write about my awesome marriage life too. But right now I am in a mood to enjoy my new looks, my bowl of Maggie with a mug of coffee, a little bit of flirting and every moment of my bachelorhood.
I do discover myself every day but some days I discover myself more, and today is one of those days. Today I discovered that I lose when I fight with myself. No matter which ‘I’ wins, the loss is always mine. I am not being derogative. In fact I believe everyone must stop for a moment and think out loud if they have been manipulating their way out all the while not paying any attention to the actual-self one is. I can respect others when I am polite to them, but I can respect myself if I stop trying being myself and be myself.
The person just next to me has no idea that I am writing about him; and I have no idea about the person I am writing, but when I look at that person I do wish someday I will have the same charisma as he has. Though I have no idea what does life mean to him but right now I am being the architect of my life with something that he possess (and I have no knowledge about that possession). Cool isn’t it! You know what I had been doing since I was a child! I felt the same way when I saw ’Superman’. When I graduated from college, I saw the movie ‘Spiderman’ and I so badly wished if I were him. Lately when one day when I woke up I discovered it does not work that way.
I have also known for sure that people never tell the complete truth when they talk about the person they are talking to. That includes me too. They may say a lot of things but that still remains incomplete. But same time I have also discovered a little secret – I have discovered that there are two instances when they say us the truth, and complete truth and nothing else. Firstly, when they have good amount of alcohol flowing in their blood, and secondly when they are angry or pissed off with you. The reason is simple, these two instances never lets a person be in his/her control. I have developed a habit of listening to people really well when they are drunk or pissed off, because I know those words won’t be repeated anytime sooner. It had helped to know a lot about them and also about me. But like everything comes with a price, so does these kind of truths too. These truths are so right on the face that may put a question to you and create a void within for some time. But hey don’t worry about that; you remember the day when I said that I discovered that being like a Spiderman does not work, well the same day I made new discovery too – A bitter truth of a moment can be wiped off if one is adamant to make it sweet. That day, like today was one of the day when I discovered a lot about myself.
I have fascination towards road. It gives me a hope that there is a way wherever I go. It does not matter to me if the way is straight, lush, barren or invisible; I know it is there somewhere, if not permanent at least momentarily. When I was a kid I remember watching the lonely streets from the barred window, just looking at it. The patch of the road that I could see from the window went through countless times of re-formation. It went wider one day but distinctly it was so familiar to me; just down to earth as always. It is almost two decades right now when I last saw that patch of road, but the fascination towards the endlessness of roads is still anew.
I am quite flattered by the success of unplanned events. They turn out to be sheer pleasure, may be because they don’t carry the burden of our prior expectations or maybe because we accept them the way they are or maybe the pleasure comes just because they are unplanned. Two bikes and four friends, 11 PM at night, loaded fuel tank and no idea where we were heading. We just hit the Bangalore-Mysore stretch and followed the road.
After half an hour of ride the real essence of long drive was building up. The road seem to lie down silently just for us while the motionless wind for someone who is standing by the road, was hitting ferociously as an reply to our unpardonable speed. We screamed and sang to the audience-less exposed nature. The buzzing wind playing tantrums around our ears posed us with the challenge to scream and sing even louder. I spread out my hands to see if the wind can push me back. No it could not; instead I pushed the wind mercilessly. We switched off the headlights turning the ride even more devilish. Uncompromising on the speed we took the turns barely missing the grip on the road. The moonlight over the streets was not beautiful but ruthlessly shining at us. I have never seen such a revengeful face of the road ever in my life. The road was conspiring and it put its wrath on us sooner than we expected. The trees were hiding the moonlight and dark seemed like getting darker; silence ruled and we were its obedient followers. Every turn was won with acceleration when finally a sharp turn successfully got the wheels off the road and we were skidding.
One bike passed the fate safely and the second bike was on the verge of being crushed by the wrath. The sandy path below the road did not let the tyre grip. The acceleration was showing an entirely new face; it was exciting and fearful at the same time. Bumps in between made us leave the road and float on air higher than we were expected to be and for the first time in my life my faith on “roads” were dissolving to oblivion. We were passing through the path where we were not supposed to be, or should I say the path that we were encountering was not supposed to be there. The reflex of the rider manipulated the gear-shifts, the breaks and the accelerator and then with a jolt we were back to the road and at least there was physical stability attained. The headlights were on and in moments the mental stability was back too and as we rode the darkness galloped with us leaving the twenty feet of the road that was smeared with the light from the head-lamps of the bike. The twenty feet of road that was visible was saying something to me and it did not take much time for me to understand.
We had no idea where we were heading but we firmly knew our limitations (or possibility as it may be called). We surely did not know the path we were taking but what directed us was the twenty feet of road. We need not know the entire stretch of the road to where we were heading. The twenty-feet was enough for us to know what was in front of us, that twenty-feet was enough for us to know we were safe and that same twenty-feet was our faith of the moment that, we will get to where our destiny belong. We chose the 75 Km mark and nailed it as our destiny. We took the next U-turn and continued back with our ferocious speed.
We stopped for out dinner on a dhaba right under the sky. It was the one of the spot on the stretch which seemed awake. The Barista and Coffee-Day were open but its sophistication was an unavoidable mismatch to the raw ride we had and so we let them pass by on our way. The return journey was silent. But our speed was way above the limits and this time we were open for anything to happen. The twenty feet of the road was guiding us and we were back from our so called destination to the start point in considerably less time. We halted in the friend’s house which came earlier. Our chatting posed a sudden silence with our eyes shut down with a universal phenomenon called sleep. The next morning we were up at 6 to hit back the road which was supposed to take us to our respective home.
The next twenty minutes ride was a quiet once again. It matched the serenity of the moment. The road seemed so peaceful and the longer stretch of the road was visible compared to the night. But it was still like an unconscious and yet conspicuous feeling that it was the twenty feet of the road right ahead of us that directed our course. We never took a turn which was significant to reach our destination, that was way ahead to come, but we directed our movement as per the twenty-feet of vicinity and yet we knew that we were going to reach where we are heading to.
I was wide awake when I reached home and as I was sitting and writing this, what I remembered was the journey. The destination seemed meaningless to me. It was like a decorated dangling piece of temptation amalgamated with momentary passion that is destined to be kept behind and we all need to move on starting a new journey for a new decorated temptation. What actually made me wonder was, does some kind of final destiny exist after which there is no journey? Is Death the answer to it or should I call Death an unplanned abrupt end to a journey? I sat for entire hour thinking about it. Truly speaking I could not conclude. I satisfied myself saying that any kind of destiny is a myth, a myth that comes when we set ourselves on the road and this myth shall live ever as the unending road always exists even if we find a dead-end. Beyond this dead-end is the beginning of unseen and unidentified endless road. May be we don’t believe it but do we have a choice?
Every time you say you find my mails good...I reread my mails just to know what I wrote. I am clueless still? I wonder what made it so good. But to be truthful I do not try to find out the reason. As to all the mails, when I start writing them I have nothing in my mind. I stare at the computer screen and with my eyes open, think what you must be doing now. I have no idea of what I see to be true or not. What I know is I like to see them.
You see the distance between you and me are not in miles, but in days and night. I had problems in accepting the fact earlier but now I have accepted this fact to an extent. In the darkness of night when you feel the breeze it is the warm winds I feel here...I am not sure that the sun which shines here is the one shining there too though cosmology says it is the same. I just feel tough to believe it.
I walk back home and mindlessly heap the mobile on the piles of clothes on my bed. I know there won’t be any messages or call of yours. I then look out of the window and see it is dark out here, it must me dark out there too...but still both the darkness have different definitions; you will call it dawn I shall call it evening. So different I feel.
Sometimes at night, I sit on the chair and suddenly wake up...no I was not sleeping, I was not thinking either...I just flip-flopped from the phase of "existence" to "living".
I do not even wander in my heart or trod in my mind to find out why is it all happening. It is badinage to me.
It is not that I do not matter to myself; I do. I spend some time as usual in front of mirror looking at myself and putting my collar straight..."I look good" I say to myself and saying that I go to sleep. I love that time...being so unconscious. I don’t dream about you, I dream nothing, that time I sleep, quite satisfied by my looks. Then suddenly I remember the calendar on my table...one more day I strike it off. I close my eyes then, finally. And then a thought flies in my mind...that one day I will sleep and then get up and find you too, having the same day , the one I have and the sun that shines is the same for both of us. I shall splash the water on my face, this time with a smile, “yes I look good" I say it to myself and out of the door I see, I know, you are back...
I sometimes wonder “Do I know you?”; I am just so puzzled! I see you smiling and ask myself –Am I really sure if you are smiling for the reason I am thinking? I just don’t get any answer. Your silent stare confuses me too. Sometimes it says that you appreciate me and in the next moment it tries to convey something about you, something that is going deep within you. And I am lost with my pathetic sense of guessing. That day I came to you with a silly incident at my office and you told me how significant those incidents were in my career. And then about the heated talks you had with your Mom about your life, you just tossed it away as if you do not care. I don’t know how you do that? How you conclude what in life is important and what is not?
You asked me one day what kind of person I want in my life? I was scared to say it was you; but I described the way I thought you can infer that I was talking about you. You kept listening to me, barely with any responses. And when I asked the same question to you, you so sincerely said- “I do not know, I have never thought of my dream man. I want to love him as the person he is, I would accept him the way he would be.” I can’t stop admiring you for what you said but within I wished you could have described someone just like me. That night I thought about you even more than usual; you seemed to be a mystery to me.
I have known you since seven years, right from our school days. You remember (I guess), that we were in the same section throughout? And now we are in the same job, living in the same colony. Is that a mere coincidence or are we meant to be together. Have you ever thought about it? I think all this as I wait for you in the restaurant or park or anywhere we plan to meet. You then come with such a gentle smile that my anger or frustration whatever you may call it just melts away. You sit beside me, and at that moment I only hear you; I can only see you then and I feel I can spend all my life listing to you like this. And then suddenly you shake waking me up from what I will call a sweet dream and you ask me “So will that be fine then?” I have no idea what u have been speaking about. I look into your eyes, so much of enthusiasm so much of a charming energy - “Yes, that will be great”, is all I have to say. Then you ask me doubtfully –“Are you sure about it?”, and that’s where you confuse me again.
It is so silly of me to love you so much. I have no idea if you understand and now I have almost given up to the hope too. I smile at myself, at my madness and also at my stupidity, all at the same time. I can never express my feelings to you. You are so delicate. I don’t want to hurt you. I climb down the stairs and walk to the bus-stand and what do I find? The bus to my place is just leaving from the stand. I run behind it in vain. I turn back to the chairs in the bus-stand and I see you sitting there. “Knock-knock!! You just missed your bus!!” I mockingly reminded you and here is what you say- “That was not my bus. My bus is the next one, with you”. I have to remind myself that it is the bus you are speaking about not about your life that you want to board with me, though you have been waiting for me in the bus-stand from past one hour. I laughed at myself, my madness and stupidity, all at the same time, again.
Sometimes in life you have to just let things go. You need to loosen your grip and let it go wherever it wants. Yea that’s what exactly I did. But the thing was you never went away. You would come to me with that very gentle smile. I could at least now control myself from getting hypnotized by your smile. Then I ask myself “Why am I holding myself? Shouldn’t I let myself free too?” But now I was in my senses, I mean I could see others along with you. Something is wrong with me then. But as I have to let myself free I must not think of it. Even today I wait for you in the restaurant or park or any where we plan to meet. Even today I see you for hours in the bus-stand waiting for me. You have the same answer for the dream man and so do I have for my dream girl. I do not have any expectations. What I know is I relish every moment being with you. It has been eight years together. I do not know if we are meant to be together all throughout. I have no idea of tomorrow. I can only tell you about today, and today, yes, we are meant to be together.
It had been an hour thinking of you. What do I write to you? There is not a word left untold and there is nothing to confess. You know me inside out.
The pages pattered noisily by the wind as I watched the stretch of lonely road from the terrace. Suddenly a vehicle almost appearing from nowhere zoomed over it. I felt sad. I understand that it is quite stupid of me to say but I have seen no one say -“Hey ROAD, thanks a lot man. You make my life so easy”. Is it because it is a dead stretch of tar or because it never demands a “thank you”?
I do not really understand what are my thoughts up to? Why do I feel so lost after meeting you after such a long time? You had always been there for me though there were times I failed to appreciate your presence. You never complained. And if I fail tonight, will you complain? You see I am scared.
Life had been cruel to our relationship but our purity had always strengthened the bond between us leaving the cruelty totally helpless. You have always been a shield to all the problems and pain approaching me. But I do not intend to write a thank-you note to you. You don’t need it. You are like the ocean to me who never complains about the salinity. It cleans the shore decorating it with the pebbles and shells with its beauty intact. Your beauty, like the ocean lies deep within, so divine.
You are no God. You have tears, I have seen them. Still then I always knew you were different. You deserved something great. May be you felt me imposing over you that difference. And you said to me looking deep into my eyes – “I am no different. I live my life bit by bit. I glean every bit of my small happiness. I do not wish to miss them for the bigger one”. I do not think I have ever heard anything so pristine.
I always felt like a child at your hands. You induced me with numerous feelings and qualities which i have imbibed that i later realized have contributed to my identity. I hugged you and you read my indebted eyes –“You deserved it. I just made sure you have them” is all you said in your placid voice.
There are many things that I wish to pen down but it will be a mere repetition. You know it all, isn’t it, even if I have missed saying few of them?
We lived every day with a hope. I felt it when you held my hand and circled round the temple paying regards to the hope that we shall meet one day. I feel so blessed when I see that hope transforming to faith as you are still awake with me in this dawn as I talk to you through this letter. Though you had no reason to strain your eyes but you knew that I will write to you.
A good friend of mine said – “The person with whom you can be yourself, be it happy or sad, together or alone, is the one you should be with”; and this kept me thinking all the while as I was walking back to my room. She said this as an answer when I asked her – “What is that one thing that you have learned from your relationship”.
As I said that it kept me thinking; not because it revealed something that I did not realise, but because it led me to one more doubt. I have known myself for couple of years now and still there are times when I surprise myself. I surprise myself with my intuitions, reactions and choices that I make. And every time it happens I keep wondering if I know myself. Now if for some reason no one can know what constitutes oneself, I wonder, how can one decide about the person he or she is going to be with?
But does that mean I believe in fate, frankly I cannot say that but I would very well not like to believe that two invisible set of hands have written my life. So in the matter of relationships I do feel the same way. I must say I have been lucky to find people who are truly amazing. Few of them are a kind who gave me a sensation of a typical sort of feeling. I don’t know how to word that feeling but one thing that I remember about that feeling; my head was empty, there was no single thought running and my lips stretched to the extent to be called a smile whenever I saw them. Few of them made me feel so perfectly secured by my identity and for few of them my identity did not matter at all.
To me life is not a sacrifice, especially sacrifice of ones individuality. To me no one can determine the perfect partner in life; the degree, certificates and bank balance never can. To me I know I am with a right partner when I can respect her before I could love her; I would not feel a tinge when I have to share my favourite chocolate with her, I may be the ultimate but there is a sense of incompleteness if I cannot share with her and for the most important thing, I could be able to see in her eyes and know for the fact that she is my friend, my wife and the woman whom I wish to be the mother of my child.
Well that’s what I had to say over my coffee tonight.
Some experiences are not meant to be just experiences; in fact they must never be ‘just an experience’ at all.
At times I need participation, little of it may be but being a part of it takes the matter to entirely new league. Love to me is never blind; it is an eye opener. May be my eyes open to see another pair of eyes and I keep guessing as what it may hold for me today. I like to see a smile that lights up the moment and feels like I can carry them all along with me. It is not the words that I hear but the sound that keeps humming within with a note as calm as silence and may be a hug that makes me wonder if I can freeze the moment. And what I wish is not just an experience of all this but something that breathes with me as I live.
For me mind and heart had always been in sync; but they had naughtily never stopped playing games with me. They keep giggling at me at my stupidities but I never feel bad about it. They have now known me for some time and do not make any attempt to prevent me from doing fresh stupidities. My friends call them illogical. But within I know I neither follow my heart nor my mind, I just be there in the moment to experience the feeling, but I must confess that there are also times when I wish these experiences be never ending.
When I close my eyes to retire for the day an automated mechanism flashes the entire day in front of my eyes, there are some thoughts too, like fill in the blanks which pops up in the mind and I neglect them because I know the answers but better feel that they must be empty. The reason is simple, I know where they all lead to and I don’t want them to go, I want them to come back the next night (unfailingly I will not answer them again). Once I answer them that will not come back and then I would tell myself that it was a sweet experience and that is what I exactly don’t want to do.
I zipped my bag and that moment the message popped out on the computer screen-”Transaction complete. Delivery at the doorstep within 2 hours”. I shut the screen and pulled the power plug out. I locked my wardrobe and threw the keys on the table carelessly. My eyes were stuck at the wall clock following every second very patiently.
I went there quite long back .I used to go every day. It had always been a part of my day where I was with myself. I even remember the last day too. I took an extra hour for myself that day and assimilated all my connections and moments over there. I did not want to take them with me. I wanted them to be there. I wanted it to be there when I come next.
My hostel days began and I was processed to have a schedule for everything. I woke up at the same time every day. My breakfast, lunch and dinner were laid on the table exactly at the same time every day. My classes were governed by automatic bells which rang precisely at the knock of the scheduled second and the lights went out at the stroke of 10 every night. I obeyed it religiously.
In between I did come back home but doing things at schedule was hardwired in me now. I used to get up early and stared out of the window. Everyone else was deep asleep. At eight I used to be at the table for breakfast, just me and no one else. Dad and Mom were busy preparing for the day at office and at 21 hrs I was back to bed. I had no clue when my parents were back home. But every morning I saw them getting ready for office. Yes I used to get a call in between from Mom and Dad saying that they love me and care for me. So I had nothing to complain about. Every time I came home the same routine of my followed. Just the background was different; initially Dad and Mom were together, then just Mom, they got divorced and then I alone, Mom left for Netherlands for good. And Dad seems to be a big man now and had houses at many places over the globe.
The worst thing about my life was that nobody questioned me. My friends said that it was the best thing that can happen to a child–just do whatever u like and nobody bothers you.
They were all wrong. When I went to my friend’s place to stay I felt the difference.
You were not supposed to leave your place without asking for an excuse; at my place never I remember we all sat together for any meal.
You were not supposed to waste food; I ate how much I liked and never bothered to know what was done with the rest of the food.
The best part was they prayed together before going to bed. I saw them when they prayed. I had no clue what they were praying for.
They were all so much connected. They did bother about each other and I call it “concern”.
I was still following the second hand of the wall clock and the door bell rang aloud.
“Sir your order”…a dark tall man with a smiling face which was mostly because he was paid for doing so, handed me the keys of my ranger bike.
I put my old cap, though old but always had the sense of possessing it. I paddled my bike through the rocky terrain, up the steep slope. The way still looks so familiar to me. I knew the bend that was going to come. I braked. I looked at the rock where on the last day I scratched the words “I Will Come Back”, it is as clear as if I wrote it yesterday.
I put my bike down and sat at the edge of the cliff. The drowning sun looks so red. My memory and all my connections are all live here, breathing with me the same air. They are sitting with me by my side, all silent; we have nothing to say to each other.
I have no idea what kind of relationship I share with this place. I just know I am back home.
I spent the rest of the evening sitting there looking at drowning sun. The clouds coloured themselves red which they borrowed from the sun. And as the sun climbed down the horizon, the clouds gave back the colour, with a promise that they would get it the next day.
I reached home. Took my bag and headed for the airport. The flight took off at the scheduled time. I flew over the cliff. I could make out the rock waving me good bye.
Though I tried hard to read what I wrote on the rock today but it was impossible to read.
“I BELONG HERE”…was what I wrote and “I Will Come Back” still holds good.
It is 330 in the morning and you must be all snuggled up in your bed. You must be in all sleep with a sort of calmness in your face. Your hair must have been tangled somewhere. But you are unnoticed of that. You lie there totally unconnected to the world. Your dawn is yet to begin.
You may not realize but you are currently experiencing the most peaceful moment of your day. When you just got into the bed you must have struggled for a moment revising the entire day in your mind. Some talks that made you giggle and some which made you sad are all into some unconscious part of your brain which have already produced some kind of neurotic signals and frequencies, are all asleep now. And you are all in peace.
Very much unbothered about the day that is yet to start, you ride in your deep undisturbed thoughts. You do not care if sun is going to rise, you have no concern if the sky still exists, it does not matter to you if the raindrops are hanging in the air; at this moment nothing matters you are unconsciously living for yourself, which I do not see often. That mirror of yours stares at you for most of the time in the day. What to do , you love staying in front of it, for hours so much managing your every single hair. Your Dress covers you with perfect angles and your eyes are guarded with the kohl. And now you have the most unguarded eyes, though close, but hold every emotion of yours intact. Your dress follows no rules and sleeps with you enjoying its freedom. Your hair that have troubled you the whole day, placed themselves completely over your cheeks and forehead kissing them, as you do not allow them to even touch your cheeks the whole day around.
Your pillow seems to be so lucky. You are giving the most dearest hug to your pillow, holding it so close, so tight. It does not complain. It holds you tight too; it had been waiting for you to come, the entire day.
The whole day you existed with the crowd trying not to be alone and now you are living in your sleep alone with everyone so close to you.
The whole day you made every effort to sort out the emptiness within you, and now the emptiness holds everything for you.
The entire day you had something missing, and now you sleep satisfied, though very much unaware yourself. I see you so much pure. Though so effortless on your part I see the actual-you. I wish I could give you my eyes now to let you see how “completeness in you” comes effortless just embracing your world around. I wish I could show you how the magnificent-you surrounds you all the time waiting to be embraced, very effortlessly again.
I know in sometime the sun will rise in your window and balm your eyes with its rays. At the first instant the brightness may blind you but you know that is the light will help you see. But it is yet to be dawn. I am standing right in front of you. You cannot see me but I can. I see you as the most delicate thing in my life. I am afraid to touch you; I may disturb you I feel. I am just there to protect you and I shall leave you with the day.
Live your day with every breath you take and whenever in the day you feel something missing remember I will come to you at night…
Image Cutesy: Robert Winslow
