Silently Yours

Every time you say you find my mails good...I reread my mails just to know what I wrote. I am clueless still? I wonder what made it so good. But to be truthful I do not try to find out the reason. As to all the mails, when I start writing them I have nothing in my mind. I stare at the computer screen and with my eyes open, think what you must be doing now. I have no idea of what I see to be true or not. What I know is I like to see them.

You see the distance between you and me are not in miles, but in days and night. I had problems in accepting the fact earlier but now I have accepted this fact to an extent. In the darkness of night when you feel the breeze it is the warm winds I feel here...I am not sure that the sun which shines here is the one shining there too though cosmology says it is the same. I just feel tough to believe it.

I walk back home and mindlessly heap the mobile on the piles of clothes on my bed. I know there won’t be any messages or call of yours. I then look out of the window and see it is dark out here, it must me dark out there too...but still both the darkness have different definitions; you will call it dawn I shall call it evening. So different I feel.

Sometimes at night, I sit on the chair and suddenly wake up...no I was not sleeping, I was not thinking either...I just flip-flopped from the phase of "existence" to "living".

I do not even wander in my heart or trod in my mind to find out why is it all happening. It is badinage to me.

It is not that I do not matter to myself; I do. I spend some time as usual in front of mirror looking at myself and putting my collar straight..."I look good" I say to myself and saying that I go to sleep. I love that time...being so unconscious. I don’t dream about you, I dream nothing, that time I sleep, quite satisfied by my looks. Then suddenly I remember the calendar on my table...one more day I strike it off. I close my eyes then, finally. And then a thought flies in my mind...that one day I will sleep and then get up and find you too, having the same day , the one I have and the sun that shines is the same for both of us. I shall splash the water on my face, this time with a smile, “yes I look good" I say it to myself and out of the door I see, I know, you are back...

Silently yours

It is all about today

I sometimes wonder “Do I know you?”; I am just so puzzled! I see you smiling and ask myself –Am I really sure if you are smiling for the reason I am thinking? I just don’t get any answer. Your silent stare confuses me too. Sometimes it says that you appreciate me and in the next moment it tries to convey something about you, something that is going deep within you. And I am lost with my pathetic sense of guessing. That day I came to you with a silly incident at my office and you told me how significant those incidents were in my career. And then about the heated talks you had with your Mom about your life, you just tossed it away as if you do not care. I don’t know how you do that? How you conclude what in life is important and what is not?

You asked me one day what kind of person I want in my life? I was scared to say it was you; but I described the way I thought you can infer that I was talking about you. You kept listening to me, barely with any responses. And when I asked the same question to you, you so sincerely said- “I do not know, I have never thought of my dream man. I want to love him as the person he is, I would accept him the way he would be.” I can’t stop admiring you for what you said but within I wished you could have described someone just like me. That night I thought about you even more than usual; you seemed to be a mystery to me.

I have known you since seven years, right from our school days. You remember (I guess), that we were in the same section throughout? And now we are in the same job, living in the same colony. Is that a mere coincidence or are we meant to be together. Have you ever thought about it? I think all this as I wait for you in the restaurant or park or anywhere we plan to meet. You then come with such a gentle smile that my anger or frustration whatever you may call it just melts away. You sit beside me, and at that moment I only hear you; I can only see you then and I feel I can spend all my life listing to you like this. And then suddenly you shake waking me up from what I will call a sweet dream and you ask me “So will that be fine then?” I have no idea what u have been speaking about. I look into your eyes, so much of enthusiasm so much of a charming energy - “Yes, that will be great”, is all I have to say. Then you ask me doubtfully –“Are you sure about it?”, and that’s where you confuse me again.

It is so silly of me to love you so much. I have no idea if you understand and now I have almost given up to the hope too. I smile at myself, at my madness and also at my stupidity, all at the same time. I can never express my feelings to you. You are so delicate. I don’t want to hurt you. I climb down the stairs and walk to the bus-stand and what do I find? The bus to my place is just leaving from the stand. I run behind it in vain. I turn back to the chairs in the bus-stand and I see you sitting there. “Knock-knock!! You just missed your bus!!” I mockingly reminded you and here is what you say- “That was not my bus. My bus is the next one, with you”. I have to remind myself that it is the bus you are speaking about not about your life that you want to board with me, though you have been waiting for me in the bus-stand from past one hour. I laughed at myself, my madness and stupidity, all at the same time, again.

Sometimes in life you have to just let things go. You need to loosen your grip and let it go wherever it wants. Yea that’s what exactly I did. But the thing was you never went away. You would come to me with that very gentle smile. I could at least now control myself from getting hypnotized by your smile. Then I ask myself “Why am I holding myself? Shouldn’t I let myself free too?” But now I was in my senses, I mean I could see others along with you. Something is wrong with me then. But as I have to let myself free I must not think of it. Even today I wait for you in the restaurant or park or any where we plan to meet. Even today I see you for hours in the bus-stand waiting for me. You have the same answer for the dream man and so do I have for my dream girl. I do not have any expectations. What I know is I relish every moment being with you. It has been eight years together. I do not know if we are meant to be together all throughout. I have no idea of tomorrow. I can only tell you about today, and today, yes, we are meant to be together.